Once upon a time
not too long ago, I wrote
one hundred haiku

How can I really say how I feel?
How can I tell you?
How can I put into words what’s happening inside of me?
How can I know it’s true?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I question my past?
Why do I look deep inside for truth?
Why do I reject what’s before my eyes?
What makes me feel this way?
What makes me question my life?
What makes me look for answers I know?
What makes me believe the lies?
When did I start feeling this way?
When did i begin asking why?
When did I yearn for answers that are right before my eyes?
My heart calls our for vengeance, my soul cries out for revenge,
My love calls out for forgiveness, who, I pray, will win?
A voice cries out from in my head, a voice filled with grief, a voice bursting with sorrow –
A voice from my past.
I can not place what I hear.
I only know I can not dismiss it.
I know I can not trust what I hear.
Nor can I resist it.
Confusion, chaos, anarchy — sisters of hate.
They want my heart and soul to listen.
But my love, above all else, will stand firm.
With out unity, no one is in control.
With out oneness, none can rise to power.
But which will conform?
And which will not?
Turmoil, passion, fury — all these I feel.
Harmony, peace, love — these, too, I feel.
I fall into fits of anger, yet feel compassion for those I’ve hurt.
I give freely of myself, to those less fortunate than I, yet, for them I feel contempt, and hate.
Never will I understand why I feel the way I do.
Never will I comprehend these feelings about me.
Never will I fathom the depth of the way I feel.
Never will I try.
Now, again, I question.
Do I want to unleash this power?
Am I ready to stand tall on my own?
If the world is against me, am I able to stand firm?
When I let go of the hatred inside,
Will the outpour be creative or destroy?
When I let go of the hatred inside, will I be better for it?
When I stand firm on the love inside, will I be able to for long?
When I stake a claim in my heart, will I choose the right one?
Why do I fear the feelings inside?
Why do i question their rights?
Why do I hide myself?
Why do I wonder which is right?
Why do I question the world as a whole?
Why do I feel it’s a hoax?
Why do I choose the hard roads?
Why do I run from me?
When will I find the answers I seek?
When can I open my eyes?
Unable to listen and believe, only with my heart,
I need to see cold hard facts, before my trust I impart.
Unable to trust what I know, what I feel and perceive,
I have to see it with my eyes, only just to believe.
Always questioning the truth, always looking for why.
I know the first step to healing — blind trust, faith, no matter the why.
Stepping blindly on a road I can not see,
Trusting someone will be there to guide me,
Silently I watch others go, wishing, hoping, praying, but unable to let go.

WHY?

Jiovanni Ward’s world is falling apart.  First, his father is murdered. Then, his mother develops a brain tumor that is slowly killing her, and while she lays dying, his blood begins to burn.  Sworn by his father to seek out the guild no sooner than his sixteenth birthday and pressured by his mother to not seek it out at all, Jiovanni must deal with the growing pressures within himself and within his family.  His eldest sister Odessa is determined to remain under Hestia’s Protection and graduate from college.  The next eldest, Hunter, is a Ganami under the protection of the guild.  Unfortunately, his leg is broken and he is unable to work.  Cordell shows no interest in joining the guild although he is old enough and Elaina, the youngest, must be protected at all costs.

With Odessa and Cordel’s refusal to help and Hunter’s inability to work, Jiovanni feels as if the entire survival of his family is falling on his fifteen year old shoulders.  And he burns.  So he does the only thing an irrational teenager would do in his place: he steals his brother’s guild card and goes to work.  It is some months later when he has discovered who had his papa killed and who would have him killed and why he should run for the guild as fast as his legs can carry him that he finds himself in a position that he isn’t sure he will make it out of alive, but he does know one thing.  He is in love.  And the one he loves keeps his blood from burning and that is a goal worth living for no matter the hell he must survive to get back to his side.

I understand this story contains adult situations and that I may find some of the material offensive.

I would like to read this story in spite of it.